Day 2. no alcohol and no future prospects of alcohol... "One day at a time!"

Yay, I didn't drink last night. And ow my hands hurt. I can't type without noticing the pain in my stiff hands. My spine. My feet. Boooo. I could have had a glass of wine last night, but I didn't because I have now made myself accountable to this page. Also, it was the same bottle of wine I had a glass of the night before and it tasted distinctly like poison. The other night when I drank it I looked at my glass at one point hoping it would be empty, but it still had some left in it. Yuk, I thought. Now I have to drink it. I didn't have to though. But I did.

I have felt slightly repelled by alcohol for a while. I wonder how long. I am so aware it tastes awful. I have pondered it many times. It's the effect I was drawn to. But then pondering the effect made me realise I feel really tired not long after drinking. And usually quite grouchy and down. What goes up must come down. Is it just basic physics? Nah it's so complicated that we throw our lives away for it. It's addictive. It's distracting. It's a pain relief. It fills a void. The void of living and being and suffering and overthinking and anxiety. But it also creates so many problems. I know that. We know that. What goes up must come down.

My daughter recently turned 16. She is a great person and a very level-headed sweet child. Now she's almost an adult and a lot of her friends have been going to parties, drinking and vaping and I found out she was too. I used to smoke. It is really hard to quit. Like booze. I don't know what's harder. Well, I don't smoke anymore so I suppose that's telling.

I got really upset hearing my daughter was vaping. I didn't want her to deal with the pains of addiction. It's my job to help her avoid these dangerous traps. Since then I've talked to her a lot about my addictions. She saw me drink wine most of her life, apart from a couple of 6-month stints of sobriety. Alcohol has been a constant in my life. My dad has a winery. His side of the family is Irish. Very Irish. My aunty, who I look just like, polishes off at least a bottle of prosecco each night. Wine is everywhere. But in the last couple of years, I have been quite vocal about wanting to cut back or quit. I know my health depends on it. And I know the health implications of drinking. I studied Nutritional Medicine at uni and I did an assignment on the effects of alcohol. I saw it all for myself. The cancer it causes, the liver disease. The damage is obvious and unavoidable when you're drinking ethanol. It kills cells. Plain and simple. Not to mention the effects on our health care system because so many of us get injured while drinking. Or hurt each other. It's not a peace-making substance.

So I have been telling my daughter more and more about my antics when I used to drink as a young person. I started at 17 when I left school. There were a few parties before then but not a lot. I wasn't into drinking at first. But slowly after a few times trying Passion Pop and then Strongbow cider my friends and I made it a thing. We used to drink out of sippy cups with little straws called "Dinkee Drinkees" and I have photos of all of us aged 17 playing "Pin the Macho on the Man" with rainbow doodles being pinned on a poster of a hot dude. ha ha ha. The good ole days. Three of us had just gotten tattoos. Mine was a frangipani flower on my lower abdomen. We have photos baring them all. I grew up in the tropics of Townsville where it was always warm and humid. I remember taking my clothes off a lot. I was that streaker. I don't know where I got the confidence to do that. Oh, wait, yes alcohol lowers your inhibitions. I remember once we got into a nightclub underage and I stole a bottle of Sheridan liqueur from behind the bar, drank a lot of it, and then ended up throwing up in the toilets. I had to be rescued by my ex-boyfriend who helped me out of the place and then went and put me in the car (!! we drove there?!!) with my head out the window to get some fresh air while they all went back out. WTF. Number one, I am a pretty honest person and can't stand the idea of stealing things. The idea of shoplifting terrifies me. We also drove MY car into town. The same car that at one point I would drive 8 people in from one side of town to the other. While under the influence. My goodness even writing this is hard. Imagine if my daughter did these things. I would be beyond devastated. Urgh. Yuk. I hate myself right now. What hope does she have? At best she won't be as bad as me and then I'm still the world's biggest hypocrite.

When I was pregnant with her I still drank. Not a lot but I did. And I smoked!!! Not a lot but I still did. I also sold weed to make money. So there you have it. Can I still go to jail for that?

I had quit my banking job, and was working for a Greek restaurant, as well as for a friend stall at the organic farmers markets "It's fresher off the floor!", and I would ride with my huge pregnant belly on my bike with my little rescue dog Harry the Shitzu (or a shits-me as my friends would call him). We would go to doofs and I would dance in bare feet, pregnant. And I would not drink at all until my mum told me that dark beer was good for the baby. Then it was some wine too because I said so. I remember sending a photo of my pregnant growing belly to my friend and she noted the glass of wine in the background. I didn't even try to hide it. Everyone said a bit was ok. It was the same when I had my son. I still drank. Probably even more. Arghhhhhh....... I hope no one ever reads this. Being human SUCKS sometimes. I feel so guilty. If I could turn back time, what would I have done differently? Been a better parent, and not endangered the health of my children... I would also somehow figure out why I'm so sensitive to things and annoyed by things and quick to anger at times. I have a plethora of personality traits that suck. I feel guilty alot (mum went to catholic school and was almost a nun). Maybe I drank to not feel all those feelings. I was not a happy little child. My toddler years saw me never smiling. Maybe I was just born miserable. We'll see I suppose. Once the beer-goggles come off. Maybe I can pretend this is all an experiment. Who is this person who's driving this body? When she's free and living as God intended?