Sober Hippy Mother

 Siiiigh. I really want a glass of wine.  A red.  Something like a nice light chianti or pinot or a smooth GSM blend.  Remember the poison flavour!  Remember.... it's POISON.   Gosh it's hard not to do something forever. Especially when you're 'contrary' like me. As my mother would say. And still says.   It's not that I'm contrary, its just that I DONT LIKE BEING TOLD WHAT TO DO.  That's all.  I am perhaps stubborn sometimes. Yes I'm a Taurean with 4 planets in Taurus to be exact.   It also means I like a bit of hedonism in my life. Warm baths, spas, saunas, massages, good food, beautiful music, and WINE. It all goes together very well with wine.  Or POISON I should say.  Why do I like poisoning myself??  Because I am addicted to it.  Because I am an alcoholic.  I must be or I wouldn't want wine so badly.  GRR!!! What triggered me just now was picking perfectly ripe red round cherry-sized toma...

Why hello my pretties...   I didn't write yesterday because instead, I spent my energy being in a total stink.  I am so grouchy and I'm not even PMS'ing.  It feels weird.  I don't think it's even necessarily the not drinking. I have actually been taking stints off drinking for a long time.  This last patch started around October/Nov and I have not drunk much in that time. A drink on Christmas (wasn't worth it. Tasted gross. Made me tired.)  I had a few drinks after that due to my family life melting down around me.  Let me tell you a few things about parenting a teenage girl.  Ohh  yessss.... and I'm sure you can tell me a few things too if you happen to find yourself with the absolute blessing of having daughters.  My daughter is brilliant. Loving and optimistic and quite literally like sunshine in human form. She went a bit off the rails recently and I was very worried and pissed off when her dear friend of many years finally crac...

Yay, I didn't drink last night. And ow my hands hurt. I can't type without noticing the pain in my stiff hands. My spine. My feet. Boooo. I could have had a glass of wine last night, but I didn't because I have now made myself accountable to this page. Also, it was the same bottle of wine I had a glass of the night before and it tasted distinctly like poison. The other night when I drank it I looked at my glass at one point hoping it would be empty, but it still had some left in it. Yuk, I thought. Now I have to drink it. I didn't have to though. But I did. I have felt slightly repelled by alcohol for a while. I wonder how long. I am so aware it tastes awful. I have pondered it many times. It's the effect I was drawn to. But then pondering the effect made me realise I feel really tired not long after drinking. And usually quite grouchy and down. What goes up must come down. Is it just basic physics? Nah it's so complicated that we throw our lives...

Ok, I'm not technically a philosopher, not a proper one. But I have always deeply pondered things. Existence has always been my muse. It's a magical world and the things that are possible are mind-blowing. So why am I stuck in a very boring Groundhog Day situation with booze? I really can't stand that movie. It is the WORST. It's so depressing. Why do I do the same thing to myself knowing I have every opportunity to live a most glorious magical life? I know enough about addiction to know that I too have fallen and I can't get up. Last night I had my last alcoholic beverage ever. I would love to know that for sure, but from this perspective, all I can see is forward. I can tell you why I think I won't, yet drink again. I have a 20+ year history of being great at drinking, yet drinking has given me little in return. Instead, it's taken quite a bit. Here I am at age 41, having recently acquired Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA). It's called an autoimm...