Day 4 Continued... damn I want a glass of wine

 Siiiigh.

I really want a glass of wine.  A red.  Something like a nice light chianti or pinot or a smooth GSM blend.  Remember the poison flavour!  Remember.... it's POISON.  

Gosh it's hard not to do something forever. Especially when you're 'contrary' like me. As my mother would say. And still says.  

It's not that I'm contrary, its just that I DONT LIKE BEING TOLD WHAT TO DO. 

That's all.  I am perhaps stubborn sometimes. Yes I'm a Taurean with 4 planets in Taurus to be exact.  

It also means I like a bit of hedonism in my life. Warm baths, spas, saunas, massages, good food, beautiful music, and WINE. It all goes together very well with wine.  Or POISON I should say.  Why do I like poisoning myself??  Because I am addicted to it.  Because I am an alcoholic.  I must be or I wouldn't want wine so badly.  GRR!!!

What triggered me just now was picking perfectly ripe red round cherry-sized tomatoes from my abundant tomato bush that has gone rogue.  It is gorgeous and so filled with the bounty of summer that the little round umami gems are everywhere!  Gosh I love growing food.  Yes I am a very Earthy lover of nature and all her glories.  Sometimes drinking wine just makes all those things shine a little bit more. For a while. 

What would happen if I had some wine tonight.  It is 5.18pm.  Definitely wine o'clock. 

I would have a glass. I would notice the poison taste and hopefully if it's a nice wine it is not too unpleasant.  I would feel the warm feeling of it going into my belly.  Burning.  I remember when it used to burn. When I couldn't even drink bubbly water because even that would burn.  That was 2 years ago... this time of year I started a 6-month weird episode of chronic IBS and couldn't keep any food inside me.  Drinking alcohol was like pouring alcohol on an open wound.  There was probably an open wound in my stomach somewhere.  They never found it even with the scopes.  I certainly felt it, and so did my body. It didn't want any food sitting in my stomach for whatever reason. I'm sure it was trying to help me.  And yet the doctors couldn't.  I was hospitalised twice for dehydration.  lost 14kg and was very malnourished.  I was wasting away.  I ended up finding CBD oil which helped my body chillax and heal.  I could eat again. Best news ever. Doctors, I find, are pretty useless unless you've broken a leg and need a cast.  Or a stitch to keep everything in.  Chronic weird mystery illnesses are everywhere.  I doubt alcohol (POISON) helps any of them.  Although you can use alcohol as sanitiser.  Noice.  I wanna drink that. 

Skip forward to tomorrow when I feel like crap and don't want to drink again, but then I did today and I ruined my 4-day stint. Now I am back at the start and still know booze has power over me. Waaa. And I don't even like it.  It tastes gross.  It makes me dizzy and tired.  It makes my anxiety awful.  

On Sunday I had a massive panic attack on the way to Bunnings. We had to come home, it was about 20mins away and we were almost there but I couldn't do it.  The prickly panic and needing to go to the toilet. That's my anxiety.  Dread.  Needing to poo. Worried I won't be able to make it to the toilet. I have PTSD from having the ability to poo.  I have for years.  The act that sometimes I will need to poo makes me panic when I am in the car sometimes, and I have a panic attack.  Especially if there is no known toilet stop along the way to my destination.  Oh, the joy of weird life. 

Anyway husband and daughter Just got home so I better go and make dinner.  Sigh.  

Sigh. 

Siiiiigh. 

Gonna have a AF beer.  Awesome AF.